***** Did you hear... *****
...about the salamander that went to Hollywood to make newt movies? --Mary L. Sauermann
...about the Jets cocktail? Two of them and you forget what your Namath. --Charles McHarry
...about the cow that ate blue grass and mooed indigo? --Mary Porcellino ...about the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It's part
of an anti-litter campaign. --Larry Wolters
RD Issue: January 1970

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear +14C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Out of sight *****
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?"
His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there."
--John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

--- Binbrook, ON: Overcast +11C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Practicing her backhand *****
While I was making farewell visits before moving to a new parish, an elderly member of the congregation paid me the compliment of suggesting that my successor would not be as good as I had been.
"Nonsense," I replied, flattered.
"No, really," she insisted. "I've lived here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
--Rev. Eric Davis
RD Issue: January 1979

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear +6C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Pop culture *****
Two Hollywood children of oft-divorced parents got into an argument. As it became more heated, one said, "My father can lick your father."
"Are you kidding?" cried the other. "Your father is my father!"
--Jack Gilford, Beacon Journal
RD Issue: December 1953

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Unknown location; please try ~43.121034,-79.804001
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** No honeymoon? *****
The English language often got the better of my German grandfather, a pastor. During one service, he announced that two members of his flock were getting married.
"You're all invited to the wedding," he told the congregation. "And also to
the parish hall afterward for the conception."
--Jerome Lossner
RD Issue: January 2007

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear +8C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Listen up! *****
You can't believe everything you hear--but you can repeat it.
RD Issue: August 1931

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +14C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Listen up! *****
You can't believe everything you hear--but you can repeat it.
RD Issue: August 1931

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Overcast +13C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Birthday boy *****
I was administering an achievement test to David, a precocious six-year-old, and I began by asking him when his birthday was.
"February 20," was his quick response.
Next I asked him, "What year, David?"
He looked at me quizzically at first and then hit upon the obvious answer. "Every year," he said.
--Jerry Mintz
RD Issue: January 1979

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear +5C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Holy cow! *****
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
RD Issue: October 2003

Like the two good ol boys talking.

Jeb says, "Look-it that bunch of cows!" Zeke replies, "You mean herd."
Jeb: "Heard what?"
Z: "Cows."
Jeb, "Yeah, I heard of cows -- there's a bunch of them over there!"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

***** No honeymoon? *****
The English language often got the better of my German grandfather, a pastor. During one service, he announced that two members of his flock were getting married.
"You're all invited to the wedding," he told the congregation. "And also to the parish hall afterward for the conception."
--Jerome Lossner
RD Issue: January 2007

No reposts, please; this was just posted a few messages before yours.

ObJok because even your moderator is not immune to the rules.

Have you heard about Ozzy OsbourneÆs new concept album about Donald TrumpÆs attack of gastric flu?
ItÆs called Diarrhoea of a Madman

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

***** Cracking up *****
Scene: A morning with my six-year-old granddaughter, Emma.
Me: Would you like bacon and eggs for breakfast?
Emma:I only like eggs when they're mixed with something.
Me: Like omelets?
Emma: No, like brownies.
--Elizabeth Cooper
RD Issue: June 2021

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Sunny +13C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Landing gear *****
The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve
parachutes when another student raised his hand.
"If the main parachute malfunctions," he said, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?"
Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, "The rest of your life."
--Kenneth Rauens
RD Issue: January 2007

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Sunny +6C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Man overboard *****
A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.
"Shucks," the boy said, "it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet."
"How come?" asked a friend. "Did the boat leak?"
The kid looked amazed. "There's a boat?"
--J.D. Theus
RD Issue: February 1960

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Overcast +7C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Boyfriend trouble *****
A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.
Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."
"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing
500 hours of community service?"
--Maria Salmon
RD Issue:October 2008

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Overcast +6C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** All the way with LBJ *****
"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. Second, let her have it."
--Lyndon B. Johnson, The New York Times
RD Issue: July 1970

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +2C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** All bottled up *****
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could
either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners
RD Issue: June 1997

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +2C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Man overboard *****
A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.
"Shucks," the boy said, "it was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet."
"How come?" asked a friend. "Did the boat leak?"
The kid looked amazed. "There's a boat?"
--J.D. Theus
RD Issue: February 1960

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +4C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

*** Quoting Jay Harris from a message to All ***

***** All bottled up *****

Hmm, their jokes of the day aren't all that random...


Jay

... I invented a new word! Plagiarism!

--- Telegard v3.09.g2-sp4/mL
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664.1)

***** All bottled up *****
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could
either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners
RD Issue: June 1997

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +10C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Kid's logic *****
A Stanford University professor took his young son with him on a trip across the country. One day after their return, a package was delivered with postage due. Neither the professor nor his wife had the necessary $3, but their son produced it. Surprised, his mother asked how he came to have that much money. "Well," he said, "Dad was awfully careless with money on our trip and nearly always left some on the table when we ate. So I just picked it up."
--D. Elton Trueblood
RD Issue: January 1950

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear +10C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Drink up! *****
Restaurant patron: "Waiter, I'd like a bottle of wine."
Waiter: "What year, sir?"
Patron: "Well, I'd like it right now."
--Earl Wilson, Field Newspaper Syndicate
RD Issue: October 1984

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear +7C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Man up! *****
Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy's pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
"Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver, either," says the waitress. "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
RD Issue: April 2008

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Unknown location; please try ~43.1209489,-79.8038923
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Forgive us our trespasses *****
A small boy, reciting the Lord's Prayer, ended by asking: "...and deliver us from people, amen."
--Katherine Sullivan, Columbus Citizen
RD Issue: March 1957

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +12C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Ripe rejoinder *****
The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and plopped his one-year-old on his lap, just as the little boy began to cry and fidget.
"That child is spoiled, isn't he?" the old man remarked.
"No," said the dad. "They all smell this way."
--Robert Howe
RD Issue: December 2012

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Partly cloudy +4C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Amount due *****
A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, "What are they doing back there, counting the money?"
--William Umberson
RD Issue: April 2015

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear -1C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Watch out below *****
"My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches."
"He's an athlete?"
"No--an architect."
--Orben's Comedy Fillers
RD Issue: September 1977

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear -1C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** On the couch *****
When my brother began his psychiatric practice, his first patient was a particularly good-looking young woman. My brother motioned for her to lie down on the couch, but the woman hesitated until he reassured her that it was part of the therapy procedure. Once on the couch, she smoothed her dress around her legs and began to relax a bit.
"Now then," he asked, "how did your trouble begin?"
"Just like this," she said.
--Don Singer, True
RD Issue: November 1972

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear -0C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** Man up! *****
Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.
One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy's pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
"Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver, either," says the waitress. "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
RD Issue: April 2008

(C) 2022 Trusted Media Brands, Inc. - All rights reserved https://www.rd.com/funny/jokes

--- Binbrook, ON: Clear +5C, UV Index: 1
* Origin: Northern Realms | tg.nrbbs.net | 289-424-5180 (1:229/664)

***** All bottled up *****
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners

I tried that game, Seven Minutes in Heaven, where two people go into a dark closet for 7 minutes; it ended up being 6 minutes of screeching from her, & a black eye for me. . .

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

***** Ripe rejoinder *****
The young father took a seat on the bus next to an elderly man and plopped his
one-year-old on his lap, just as the little boy began to cry and fidget. "That child is spoiled, isn't he?" the old man remarked.
"No," said the dad. "They all smell this way."

Universal Instructions for babies:

1. Fill noisy end
2. Empty smelly end
3. Go to 1.


--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)