Quoting Damon Getsman to Nancy Backus on 31 Dec 13 01:27:57 <=-

Any feedback in this area whatsoever is totally appreciated. I've
got a couple of friends that are single parents, or parents in general, but not more than a handful. I've got a pretty sparse handful of
friends altogether, actually, and that constraint makes it even
smaller. I've got precisely one friend who I think is a 'good' parent,
on top of it. So any feedback, advice, or ideas, even moral support
that I can get from another has a significant weight for me.

Then you've come to a good place for that... maybe not as many as used
to hang out here, but these little support echoes are pretty much where
the good aspects of Fido community can still be found. :)

It's been a hell of a struggle, and sometimes I really wonder how I am able to keep one foot going in front of another, especially when we're homeless and rejected by the only local family that we have right now.

That's very tough... family is supposed to be there for you... but
sometimes they can be as cruel or more than the rest of the world...

even our cat, the one that protected us from danger by being our early alert system when we had to camp offroad in the hills of Missouri for
lack of money for a motel, is in need of medical treatment that we
can't afford, and it may well be cancer, which will mean losing yet another constant in his life at such an early age.

That's hard, too. I suspect that your son will help you with your
grieving over the loss, though, as much as you'll be there for him.
Maybe the cat will still be around for longer than you think, too...
sometimes they can be pretty tough...

and, I'm sure, quite the wild ride for you...
and I don't mean that to be at all derogatory...

It has been. I'm pretty sure it's driven me past the boundary of
where sane meets batshit loony a few times, when I didn't know how he
was doing in the hands of an irresponsible and crazed mother a whole
ocean away.

Fortunately, you've been able to get past that point, and have him with
you now.. one less thing to go crazy over...

There are some definitely scary parts to this as well.. She certainly
doesn't seem like a particularly wonderful person, or much of a
mother...

Yeah, it was a really tough way to begin to learn much more about
the art of judging people for the right qualities, and to pay much,
much less attention to superficial qualities.

A hard lesson... but a very important one... and maybe your son will
learn it from your experience and be better prepared when his time
comes...

this particular niche in, at least American, society is
horrifically unaddressed, along with other gender skewed venues
such as male victims of domestic abuse, and the like.

People get stereotypes in their heads, and then can't see past them to
the real situations... I think it's starting to be better understood and
to be better addressed than it once was, but you are correct that
there's still a long way to go... I had a friend once that was in a
similar situation, abused by his wife (who had known mental issues), and
yet she was able to retain custody of their daughter, after she kicked
him out... the courts believed her lies over his true statements... On
the other hand, I have a friend now that was able to keep custody of the children (a boy and a girl, iirc) in a similar situation...

For sure. I just had an incident tonight... The people that're
giving us a place to stay right now have 6 other kids. I'm an only
child, and my son, at least beyond the age of 18 months, has been an
only child. I have always done a lot better, socially, in a very small group, or much more preferable, a one-on-one setting. He's the same
way. In this big group the 'Lord of the Flies' mentality takes over,
as it does with all kids, and there is a revolving target that lands on each of them periodically where the kids make fun of each other. When
it lands on him, and someone makes fun of him for something, he takes
it much more personally than the others. I'm overprotective of that.
It took my good friend pointing out to me tonight that I couldn't see
it because I'd been raised as an only kid (as he had, as well), but
that type of experience is what hardens somebody to be able to bounce
back in larger group social situations. I've always been at a loss in life because of not knowing what to do in those situations, and taking things so deeply and personally; I hope that he's not too old to learn
how to have it make him stronger.

As long as you don't coddle, but do support, he should be able to learn
it just fine... You can sympathize with his feelings, but then explain
that they didn't mean it personally... it's just more a game with
them... and that it's ok to respond in kind, but not in a mean way...

I don't recall quite that dynamic growing up as a child, but then I was
the oldest of 8, the first five showing up by the time I was 7... We'd
have our arguments, but in most cases, it only made us grow closer...
and of course, since I was the oldest, I was usually being held
accountable for whatever squabbling was happening, so I tended to try to
keep that sort of stuff to a minimum wherever possible... ;)

I think you are doing a wonderful job, from what you've said... I give
you lots of credit for taking the responsibility for your son, and for
fighting for him and for his well-being. He's got a lot going for him
with you as his dad. :)

I have my faults, but he's saved my life, so I'm definitely focused
on trying to make his as good as it can be, with whatever conditions
the future world might hold. Thank you. :)

I'm sure you both will be learning from each other as he grows up... and
I expect that you'll have a special relationship even after he's grown
and on his own. :)

I do believe there was another unread message in this echo after the
one that I'm now replying to, so hopefully there are more. :)

I'm a little surprised there weren't a few more jumping in by now, but
it is the holidays so maybe that had something to do with it... and I
really don't know who all might be just lurking, like I've been... :)

ttyl neb

... If laughter is the best medicine, let's take a double dose.
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Re: Re: Male Single Parenting - Views by Peers and Agencies
By: Nancy Backus to Damon Getsman on Fri Jan 03 2014 18:42:55

Then you've come to a good place for that... maybe not as many as used
to hang out here, but these little support echoes are pretty much where the good aspects of Fido community can still be found. :)

Heh. Yeah, there's a couple of echoes that I've been making a go at for quite a few months now that I'm about ready to put aside for awhile. Seems like in at least a couple of them, the moderator and a few key individuals that
always seem to be in about 180-degree opposition sit and hurl artillery shells at each other to the tune of dozens of kilobytes of text, but never come to any
sort of agreement and certainly not a ceasefire. Most of my attempts to get into those discussions have been met by people testifying against each other regarding whoever's posting that I may've responded to. Whatever, I guess, doesn't really work for keeping me amused but if it gives them a happy and full
life, so be it.

That's very tough... family is supposed to be there for you... but sometimes they can be as cruel or more than the rest of the world...

Interestingly enough it was my adoptive mother (the one who just a couple of months ago kicked my son and I out into the snow so that she could get her house fixed up enough to get photos of it in 'Victorian Living' hopefully [she doesn't understand that a 2 bedroom, one floor starter house with spraypainted doors will never end up there]) who first pointed me at William Peltzer's book,
_A Child Called It_. She's one that I got a few forms of serious abuse from, when she wasn't having paranoid schizophrenic delusions about Satan commenting on how she was burning in the 'Lake of Fire'. Let me just sum up all of that by saying "I'm glad I was adopted; that genetic line needed to stop there."

That's hard, too. I suspect that your son will help you with your grieving over the loss, though, as much as you'll be there for him.
Maybe the cat will still be around for longer than you think, too... sometimes they can be pretty tough...

The cat actually seems to be doing pretty good lately, at this interim place that we're at. However, it appears that our stay here is coming to an untimely
end, with me still no closer to having my transportation working, nor any other
place to stay, nor a job (thanks to the no transportation and seriously sub-zero temperatures). Pretty sure I'm going to end up in an overnight shelter with my son, after this, and if the pregnant wife of my friend, whose hormones are (he says) allegedly to blame for my eviction from here, that my cat will end up kicked out, too. That's almost worse in a way than having to put him to sleep. All that my cat does when I'm not around and he's in an unfamiliar place is hide and yowl when other people or animals bother him. He's a completely fulfilled and happy cat when I'm around, though. Gah. I gotta stop focusing on the problems and start focusing a little more on the solutions. When I look at the problems too long, my outlook goes negative, and
then I start attracting negative. The last thing that I need is any more of that right now.

Fortunately, you've been able to get past that point, and have him with you now.. one less thing to go crazy over...

That is absolutely right. When I'm struggling with the amount of bogus crap in my life, the one thing I can always rely on to put a smile on my face, or at
least a warmth back into my thoughts, is my son. Not having to worry about his
abuse or neglect where I can't do anything to help him is one unrelenting positive in my life. When I really don't know where I'm going to get my next meal, then it weighs me down a little bit more; I could stand homelessness when
I was on my own much easier than I can when I've got a son to provide and care for. God if only I could get that vehicle working. Everything is fixed now, it just needs a higher amperage battery. However, without transportation in this weather, I can't even get to the plasma bank to donate plasma to raise a hundred bucks for that battery. Everything right now that I need to jumpstart myself is in a catch-22 situation like that, as far as I can tell.

Yeah, it was a really tough way to begin to learn much more about
the art of judging people for the right qualities, and to pay much,
much less attention to superficial qualities.

A hard lesson... but a very important one... and maybe your son will
learn it from your experience and be better prepared when his time comes...

That's precisely why I talk my son all the way through pretty much everything
that I'm advising him on, any reason he's having priviledges taken away for, or
anything else that reminds me of experience in my life (or experience that I would've been better off getting or knowing about). I always tell him how not learning these things, or how not having a proper example, or whatever from my messed up childhood, affected me and how much longer I kept paying and suffering for lack of it. Everybody that talks to him, his teachers, everyone,
always comments about his vocabulary and his mature perspectives into things, and how good his decision making is when he doesn't have any supervision. I hope that means that I'm doing these things right. He's obviously soaking things up and applying them at a much faster rate than a lot of his peers; I just hope they stick with him, despite the fact that, unlike me, he hasn't been
burned and learned the hard way from most of these things.

People get stereotypes in their heads, and then can't see past them to
the real situations... I think it's starting to be better understood and to be better addressed than it once was, but you are correct that
there's still a long way to go... I had a friend once that was in a similar situation, abused by his wife (who had known mental issues), and yet she was able to retain custody of their daughter, after she kicked
him out... the courts believed her lies over his true statements... On the other hand, I have a friend now that was able to keep custody of the children (a boy and a girl, iirc) in a similar situation...

I've seen a _LOT_ of that, especially (with a few exceptions, always in the minority, at least in the cases I've seen) in law enforcement and the judicial system, unfortunately. I'm just very, very glad that I was able to get custody
without any sort of a serious fight. Now if I'd just start getting the child support that I've been owed like forever now... well I wouldn't be in this situation today now, would I?

As long as you don't coddle, but do support, he should be able to learn
it just fine... You can sympathize with his feelings, but then explain that they didn't mean it personally... it's just more a game with
them... and that it's ok to respond in kind, but not in a mean way...

Heh. I try to do that, but I know that at some times I end up sliding to the
extreme of coddling now and then. It's difficult, and every time that I realize I'm doing it, readjusting to a newer, healthier standard, always feels like I've become a terrible and uncaring person. I do try to evaluate myself on a regular basis for when things like that have to be done, though.

I don't recall quite that dynamic growing up as a child, but then I was the oldest of 8, the first five showing up by the time I was 7... We'd have our arguments, but in most cases, it only made us grow closer...
and of course, since I was the oldest, I was usually being held accountable for whatever squabbling was happening, so I tended to try to keep that sort of stuff to a minimum wherever possible... ;)

Yeah, I've got the only child thing going on here (for myself, as well as my son). I'm really good at noticing only child characteristics, and I'm starting
to be good at recognizing the 'last of the litter' characteristics, too, but that doesn't really lead me to always identifying the behavior in myself in such a way that would improve things in my own life early enough... I need to focus on that more. Hell, today I think the first thing that I really need to do is meditate, today. I don't know what it is, but after I took a short nap this morning I've been struggling really hard with slipping off of the continental shelf off the coast of an optimistic attitude. Everything that I think about in my particular situation is leading me into a spiral of hopelessness, resentment, and anger. Even 180 seconds of good meditation will lead me out of that, but it's always just getting the timer set that's the hardest part of that for me... Then I always notice afterwards that my day is going 100x better... If I miss it for a single day it's become picking up the Empire State Building with one hand again, though. :P

I'm sure you both will be learning from each other as he grows up... and
I expect that you'll have a special relationship even after he's grown
and on his own. :)

I very much hope so. Seeing lots of other families and fathers with their sons I realize how very special and unique the relationship that I have with him is. Every time he takes a new step on his own, I fear that it's one away from me that won't necessarily come back in this direction. I think that's primarily because of how I reacted having to leave my own parents in order to gain my own freedom, though; it's not necessarily what will happen in a healthier dynamic.
If my doctor would just put me back on my regular prescribed amount of ativan
again I'd be able to deal with these rare negative days a lot better. :P

I thank you very much for the kind words, either way. I'm already noticing more positive shift in my outlook. :)

--Damo dice, "Perhaps today IS a good day to die!"
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Quoting Damon Getsman to Nancy Backus on 08 Jan 14 18:42:23 <=-

to hang out here, but these little support echoes are pretty much where
the good aspects of Fido community can still be found. :)

Heh. Yeah, there's a couple of echoes that I've been making a go at
for quite a few months now that I'm about ready to put aside for
awhile. Seems like in at least a couple of them, the moderator and a
few key individuals that always seem to be in about 180-degree
opposition sit and hurl artillery shells at each other to the tune of dozens of kilobytes of text, but never come to any sort of agreement
and certainly not a ceasefire. Most of my attempts to get into those discussions have been met by people testifying against each other regarding whoever's posting that I may've responded to.

Those sound like the type of echos I've always avoided... ;) COOKING
and MEMORIES, where I do hang out, are much more inviting places... :)

Whatever, I guess, doesn't really work for keeping me amused but if
it gives them a happy and full life, so be it.

One does wonder at times... ;)

Interestingly enough it was my adoptive mother (the one who just a
couple of months ago kicked my son and I out into the snow so that she could get her house fixed up enough to get photos of it in 'Victorian Living' hopefully [she doesn't understand that a 2 bedroom, one floor starter house with spraypainted doors will never end up there]) who

Delusional... or at least overly optimistic... :)

first pointed me at William Peltzer's book, _A Child Called It_. She's

I've read that... horrific tale...

one that I got a few forms of serious abuse from, when she wasn't
having paranoid schizophrenic delusions about Satan commenting on how
she was burning in the 'Lake of Fire'. Let me just sum up all of that
by saying "I'm glad I was adopted; that genetic line needed to stop there."

At least you know that the genetic seeds of that sort of thing won't
have come to you from her. I'm sorry you had to endure that, too...

The cat actually seems to be doing pretty good lately, at this
interim place that we're at. However, it appears that our stay here is coming to an untimely end, with me still no closer to having my transportation working, nor any other place to stay, nor a job (thanks
to the no transportation and seriously sub-zero temperatures). Pretty sure I'm going to end up in an overnight shelter with my son, after
this, and if the pregnant wife of my friend, whose hormones are (he
says) allegedly to blame for my eviction from here, that my cat will
end up kicked out, too. That's almost worse in a way than having to
put him to sleep. All that my cat does when I'm not around and he's
in an unfamiliar place is hide and yowl when other people or animals bother him. He's a completely fulfilled and happy cat when I'm around,

Hopefully that will iron itself out... I suppose the yowling when you
aren't around could be getting on the wife's nerves... hormones can be
silly things... and some use them more as an excuse than others do...

though. Gah. I gotta stop focusing on the problems and start focusing
a little more on the solutions. When I look at the problems too long,
my outlook goes negative, and then I start attracting negative. The
last thing that I need is any more of that right now.

Yeah. It can be useful to look at problems long enough to acknowledge
their existence, and to hopefully be able to see what to do about them,
but dwelling on them only makes things worse...

That is absolutely right. When I'm struggling with the amount of
bogus crap in my life, the one thing I can always rely on to put a
smile on my face, or at least a warmth back into my thoughts, is my
son. Not having to worry about his abuse or neglect where I can't do anything to help him is one unrelenting positive in my life. When I really don't know where I'm going to get my next meal, then it weighs
me down a little bit more; I could stand homelessness when I was on my
own much easier than I can when I've got a son to provide and care for.

You've got more reason and motivation with him... it does make things
seem more weighty, but that's part of the balance...

God if only I could get that vehicle working. Everything is fixed
now, it just needs a higher amperage battery. However, without transportation in this weather, I can't even get to the plasma bank to donate plasma to raise a hundred bucks for that battery. Everything
right now that I need to jumpstart myself is in a catch-22 situation
like that, as far as I can tell.

Can someone help you either get the battery, or get to the plasma
bank...? It would seem that someone should be able to see that only a
little hand up would make all the difference... but, I do know that a
lot of people expect others to pull themselves up by their bootstraps
without paying any attention to the fact that the bootstraps are
broken...

That's precisely why I talk my son all the way through pretty much everything that I'm advising him on, any reason he's having priviledges taken away for, or anything else that reminds me of experience in my
life (or experience that I would've been better off getting or knowing about). I always tell him how not learning these things, or how not having a proper example, or whatever from my messed up childhood,
affected me and how much longer I kept paying and suffering for lack of it. Everybody that talks to him, his teachers, everyone, always
comments about his vocabulary and his mature perspectives into things,
and how good his decision making is when he doesn't have any
supervision. I hope that means that I'm doing these things right.

Sounds like you are doing something right there, anyway.. :) And he is probably also absorbing life lessons just from the unsettledness that
you both find yourselves in...

He's obviously soaking things up and applying them at a much faster
rate than a lot of his peers; I just hope they stick with him, despite
the fact that, unlike me, he hasn't been burned and learned the hard
way from most of these things.

Some children are able to assimilate things easier than others... some
have to have the hard knocks, others are very tender and learn easily...
and children can be very resilient, despite whatever life tosses at
them. Having a loving parent there to support helps a lot, no matter
what the child is or is going through... :)

I'm just very, very glad that I was able to get custody without any
sort of a serious fight. Now if I'd just start getting the child
support that I've been owed like forever now... well I wouldn't be
in this situation today now, would I?

Yeah, child support can be another catch-22 situation... having the cash
would have been so much easier for keeping roof over head etc...

As long as you don't coddle, but do support, he should be able to learn
it just fine... You can sympathize with his feelings, but then explain
that they didn't mean it personally... it's just more a game with
them... and that it's ok to respond in kind, but not in a mean way...

Heh. I try to do that, but I know that at some times I end up
sliding to the extreme of coddling now and then. It's difficult, and every time that I realize I'm doing it, readjusting to a newer,
healthier standard, always feels like I've become a terrible and
uncaring person. I do try to evaluate myself on a regular basis for
when things like that have to be done, though.

A certain amount of what probably is coddling, isn't a problem... it's
when you always give in to what the child wants, and "protect" them from
the consequences of their actions, that you end up spoiling them and not teaching them how to grow more mature from the situations... Nurturing
and discipline (both teaching and consequences) are important in growing
the child into an adult... I've seen way too many children that didn't
get the guidance they needed, in the false thinking that giving in to
their every whim will make them somehow respect you for it... and what
they grow up to be, just whiny children in adult bodies, unable to teach
their own children anything...

I don't recall quite that dynamic growing up as a child, but then I was
the oldest of 8, the first five showing up by the time I was 7... We'd
have our arguments, but in most cases, it only made us grow closer...
and of course, since I was the oldest, I was usually being held
accountable for whatever squabbling was happening, so I tended to try
to keep that sort of stuff to a minimum wherever possible... ;)

Yeah, I've got the only child thing going on here (for myself, as
well as my son). I'm really good at noticing only child
characteristics, and I'm starting to be good at recognizing the 'last
of the litter' characteristics, too, but that doesn't really lead me to always identifying the behavior in myself in such a way that would
improve things in my own life early enough... I need to focus on that more.

We ended up with an only child, not by plan but by that's all we got.
But then he had my younger siblings to work off the rough edges on...
and lots of cousins that came along later to interact with. My husband
is the younger of two... Some of it is learned behavior, some is maybe
inate, but I think some things have less to do with place in family and
just with who you are and how you interact with others...

Hell, today I think the first thing that I really need to do is
meditate, today. I don't know what it is, but after I took a short
nap this morning I've been struggling really hard with slipping off of
the continental shelf off the coast of an optimistic attitude.
Everything that I think about in my particular situation is leading me into a spiral of hopelessness, resentment, and anger. Even 180 seconds
of good meditation will lead me out of that, but it's always just
getting the timer set that's the hardest part of that for me... Then I always notice afterwards that my day is going 100x better... If I miss
it for a single day it's become picking up the Empire State Building
with one hand again, though. :P

Breaking the downward spiral of thinking is always a useful thing...
focusing off the problems to either something else, or perhaps to some solutions that may occur to one when gets re-focused is usually the key.

I very much hope so. Seeing lots of other families and fathers with
their sons I realize how very special and unique the relationship that
I have with him is. Every time he takes a new step on his own, I fear that it's one away from me that won't necessarily come back in this direction. I think that's primarily because of how I reacted having to leave my own parents in order to gain my own freedom, though; it's not necessarily what will happen in a healthier dynamic.

One can foster independence in one's child(ren) without losing the
relationship with the child... in fact, sometimes that can be the factor
that keeps the relationship solid, that the child doesn't have to fight
to get any sort of independence. And it can be done without removing
your support of the child as well...

If my doctor would just put me back on my regular prescribed amount
of ativan again I'd be able to deal with these rare negative days a
lot better. :P

Pluses and minuses to meds... :) As long as the negative days are
rare, maybe you don't really need the med...? Just work on other ways
to cope...?

I thank you very much for the kind words, either way. I'm already noticing a more positive shift in my outlook. :)

I'm glad to be of some help.. :)

ttyl neb

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Re: support was: Male Single Parenting - Views by Peers and Agencies
By: Nancy Backus to Damon Getsman on Fri Jan 10 2014 21:31:52

Those sound like the type of echos I've always avoided... ;) COOKING
and MEMORIES, where I do hang out, are much more inviting places... :)

Yeah, it's funny how much time I wasted in areas like that when I was younger. Total pointless timesuck. Now in the situation I'm at right now, I've barely got enough free time/access to be able to get on my own system to keep up with my RC duties and hell, I'm still a little behind. I've stabilized
the living arrangements, even have a backup lined up, and more good things are sure to follow. Hopefully soon I'll be able to have enough time to sit and rest a bit and catch up on everything that I've missed. :)

Interestingly enough it was my adoptive mother (the one who just a
couple of months ago kicked my son and I out into the snow so that
she could get her house fixed up enough to get photos of it in
'Victorian Living' hopefully [she doesn't understand that a 2
bedroom, one floor starter house with spraypainted doors will never
end up there]) who

Delusional... or at least overly optimistic... :)

No need for the conditional 'or' in there. She is delusional, yes. Her mother died in a completely demented state (only crying or screaming, curling up into a ball, etc), and... Well I've written some blog posts about how I was
raised in a cult. There is only maybe 30-45kb that I've written about that crap sofar.. I could easily split off into a tangent about that, but I'm feeling pretty focused this morning. :) Let me summarize by saying only that at one point in my childhood, my authoritarian belt-wielding dad ended up sticking her and I on a bus to her parents' place in Cali. She'd been waking up drenched in sweat, hearing Satan's voice in her head, and dreaming of burning alive in the 'Lake of Fire' that was so touted by those abusive jackasses.
She's pretty much the most negative and self-centered person that I've ever met. I feel bad for her, and really wish I wouldn't have given her back that check for $4000 right before she kicked my son and I out to the curb. Aaanyway, tangents once again threaten to drag me away. Delusional, yeah, with
a princess complex that isn't countered by my dad's penny-pinching and anger-fueled ways any more.
Gahhhhhh. Sorry. WELL HERE'S TO LEARNING BY BAD EXAMPLE *cheers*

At least you know that the genetic seeds of that sort of thing won't
have come to you from her. I'm sorry you had to endure that, too...

Whoa, when going back through the quoting text I see that I've repeated myself with all of this wonderful and interesting speak of Satan and delusions and the Lake of Fire. (Hey google, link Nancy Getsman to Satan, delusions, and
the Lake of Fire for me, will ya?)
Honestly, if somehow I would've been the same person but been the biological spawn of those people I'd like to think that I would be honorable enough to commit seppuku (preferably while skydiving right over their house).

Hopefully that will iron itself out... I suppose the yowling when you aren't around could be getting on the wife's nerves... hormones can be silly things... and some use them more as an excuse than others do...

You would not believe the tale that I have in store for you about this particular little nugget of information. Hell, I might have to netmail you some of the dox on it, as well. That situation really went SNAFU in a way that
was soooo frigging avoidable. :P Thank god for helpful ex'es and biological family, I guess? :)

Yeah. It can be useful to look at problems long enough to acknowledge their existence, and to hopefully be able to see what to do about them, but dwelling on them only makes things worse...

I had a really big problem with that in the first 35 years of my life. I'm going to have fun trying to make a difference in the next 35. ;)

You've got more reason and motivation with him... it does make things
seem more weighty, but that's part of the balance...

I bear that cross gladly, but when the surface beneath my feet starts shifting, I am haunted by the potential downfalls that await. At least, that's
how I used to look at things. :)

Can someone help you either get the battery, or get to the plasma
bank...? It would seem that someone should be able to see that only a little hand up would make all the difference... but, I do know that a
lot of people expect others to pull themselves up by their bootstraps without paying any attention to the fact that the bootstraps are
broken...

Heh. Well, that can of worms can't be cracked open just yet; I have not the time for that massive tale. I did have to ditch my vehicle, which really sucks. Call me stupid, but I got attached to that thing. I'd picked it up right before I got my son, finally, over here where I could care for him and give him a good environment. When we had to hit the road due to my dad's upcoming demise it took us 4000 miles around the US, up some backwoods hills in
Alabama, offroad. Crossed the Rockies in it. It was a $500 Blazer, ffs. It's
like a good luck totem to me, I guess. All things are transient though; such is life & c'est a la vie.
Oh, by the way it's quite possible that I will forget the tale that MUST be told about the debauchery and downfall of such a good and noble man. In case of such an event, just tell me to tell you about the lizard.

Sounds like you are doing something right there, anyway.. :) And he is probably also absorbing life lessons just from the unsettledness that
you both find yourselves in...

I think he probably is. I can't believe how well he's adapting. I know that
it's causing him some duress, but he's handling it very well. Still, I very much want to be able to settle the eff-bomb down and let him care for some relationships that will last for awhile. I would've never made it past 20, were it not for my loyal friends. I would have died, in multiple events.

Some children are able to assimilate things easier than others... some have to have the hard knocks, others are very tender and learn easily... and children can be very resilient, despite whatever life tosses at
them. Having a loving parent there to support helps a lot, no matter
what the child is or is going through... :)

:D Yesterday before bed he came to me and told me that he wanted to spend some time alone with just me. :) It definitely sucks that he is missing me enough to have to ask me for time with me, but it also definitely touches my heart that he values time with me that much. That little man is going to be a guy with wisdom beyond his years, I'm thinking. Need to get him into Jedi training. Er, that was a joke, but after the last slum we lived in, it might be good for us to get into Aikido as soon as possible. Now if I could just get
a ride to the frigging workplace here...
Alright, I'm going to be a bad buddhist, and whine just a little bit about the fact that I sat on the misunderstanding that caused the crap at the last place... Just so that my friend wouldn't have more marriage problems. What kind of good friend understands that kind of mistake, yet still doesn't keep his wife from kicking a guy and his son causing no harm out into the tundra in frigging January? He really must've gotten steamrolled in life by the Navy, and I know for certain that his first wife still has at least one of his testicles in her purse. ;) Sorry, I couldn't resist.
I will now resume my pursuit of the peaceful, and conflict avoidant, buddhist
ways.

Yeah, child support can be another catch-22 situation... having the cash would have been so much easier for keeping roof over head etc...

I really need to talk to those guys. It'd be so nice if they'd pick up the phone and call me back...

teaching them how to grow more mature from the situations... Nurturing and discipline (both teaching and consequences) are important in growing the child into an adult... I've seen way too many children that didn't get the guidance they needed, in the false thinking that giving in to their every whim will make them somehow respect you for it... and what they grow up to be, just whiny children in adult bodies, unable to teach their own children anything...

You know, that really hits a resonant note. I'd been living in section 8 housing for 3 years, give or take, prior to this hurricane o' feces. So maybe that has really screwed up my perception of children; no doubt the culture and locale of the area need to be taken into account, too. Either which way, there
are so many single parents that I've seen lately that are just unable to discipline their kids. Um, bad behavior needs to have bad consequences... Is that a tough concept? Maybe they spiked the dose of fluoride in the water. :P

We ended up with an only child, not by plan but by that's all we got.
But then he had my younger siblings to work off the rough edges on...
and lots of cousins that came along later to interact with. My husband
is the younger of two... Some of it is learned behavior, some is maybe inate, but I think some things have less to do with place in family and just with who you are and how you interact with others...

Back in my cult days I used to sometimes get to spend a week with a family that was in the same cult in South Dakota, and they had 3 children. Other than
that, all of my experiences with being a pseudo-member of a large family were brief. I can't imagine what it must be like to have that many people who will actually care. I just don't have that at all. I'm starting to feel it out with my sister and my nephew and niece and my biomom, but it's going a little slow. That's one good thing about this relocation. I'm goin' back to my roots. ;)

Breaking the downward spiral of thinking is always a useful thing... focusing off the problems to either something else, or perhaps to some solutions that may occur to one when gets re-focused is usually the key.

I've been doing absolutely wonderfully in this area. :) I've maintained a positive focus at least 90-95% of the time. I shifted my paradigm a little while back, here, and I like where I shifted it to.

One can foster independence in one's child(ren) without losing the relationship with the child... in fact, sometimes that can be the factor that keeps the relationship solid, that the child doesn't have to fight
to get any sort of independence. And it can be done without removing
your support of the child as well...

This is the very tightrope that I hope to be able to navigate across.

Pluses and minuses to meds... :) As long as the negative days are
rare, maybe you don't really need the med...? Just work on other ways
to cope...?

When I first wrote the message, I would've said I needed that med. Now, after the paradigm shift... I'm pretty sure I can handle whatever life throws at me. :) I'm so glad that I finally found something that works for me.

Vaya con Dios. (Woo I got a chance to practice my spanish last night _and_ helped a woman get herself home and out of the cold in a country where she doesn't speak the language, good times!)

--Damo dice, "Perhaps today IS a good day to die!"
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Quoting Damon Getsman to Nancy Backus on 31 Jan 14 05:45:37 <=-

Re: support was: Male Single Parenting - Views by Peers and
Agencies By: Nancy Backus to Damon Getsman on Fri Jan 10 2014

right now, I've barely got enough free time/access to be able to get on
my own system to keep up with my RC duties and hell, I'm still a little behind. I've stabilized the living arrangements, even have a backup
lined up, and more good things are sure to follow. Hopefully soon I'll
be able to have enough time to sit and rest a bit and catch up on everything that I've missed. :)

I was beginning to wonder what was happening with you... been a
while... :) Good to hear that things are stabilized... :)

At least you know that the genetic seeds of that sort of thing won't
have come to you from her. I'm sorry you had to endure that, too...

Whoa, when going back through the quoting text I see that I've
repeated myself with all of this wonderful and interesting speak of
Satan and delusions and the Lake of Fire. (Hey google, link Nancy
Getsman to Satan, delusions, and the Lake of Fire for me, will ya?) Honestly, if somehow I would've been the same person but been the biological spawn of those people I'd like to think that I would be honorable enough to commit seppuku (preferably while skydiving right
over their house).

It certainly did have some influence on you... but at least you see it
for the delusions it was... :) You might have just hoped against hope
that somehow the worst of it had bypassed you, and that maybe you'd be
able to amend some of their damage... ;)

Hopefully that will iron itself out... I suppose the yowling when you
aren't around could be getting on the wife's nerves... hormones can be
silly things... and some use them more as an excuse than others do...

You would not believe the tale that I have in store for you about
this particular little nugget of information. Hell, I might have to netmail you some of the dox on it, as well. That situation really went SNAFU in a way that was soooo frigging avoidable. :P Thank god for helpful ex'es and biological family, I guess? :)

At least you appear to be past it now.. ;) I've watched lots of
unbelievable tales unfold... I can well imagine... ;)

Yeah. It can be useful to look at problems long enough to acknowledge
their existence, and to hopefully be able to see what to do about them,
but dwelling on them only makes things worse...

I had a really big problem with that in the first 35 years of my
life. I'm going to have fun trying to make a difference in the next
35. ;)

Getting and maintaining balance can be tricky, but it's the key... :)

Heh. Well, that can of worms can't be cracked open just yet; I have
not the time for that massive tale. I did have to ditch my vehicle,
which really sucks. Call me stupid, but I got attached to that thing. I'd picked it up right before I got my son, finally, over here where I could care for him and give him a good environment. When we had to hit the road due to my dad's upcoming demise it took us 4000 miles around
the US, up some backwoods hills in Alabama, offroad. Crossed the
Rockies in it. It was a $500 Blazer, ffs. It's like a good luck totem
to me, I guess. All things are transient though; such is life & c'est
a la vie. Oh, by the way it's quite possible that I will forget the
tale that MUST be told about the debauchery and downfall of such a good and noble man. In case of such an event, just tell me to tell you
about the lizard.

I can understand getting attached to a vehicle... done it myself... but
the time does come when it's time to just let it go... and move on... ;)
I'll be waiting for the story about the lizard.... <G>

Sounds like you are doing something right there, anyway.. :) And
is probably also absorbing life lessons just from the unsettledness
that you both find yourselves in...

I think he probably is. I can't believe how well he's adapting. I
know that it's causing him some duress, but he's handling it very well. Still, I very much want to be able to settle the eff-bomb down and let
him care for some relationships that will last for awhile. I would've never made it past 20, were it not for my loyal friends. I would have died, in multiple events.

You didn't have the support from your parents, he at least has you. But
you are right to want to be able to settle down enough for him to make
some good long-term friends... even if it doesn't end up happening...

:D Yesterday before bed he came to me and told me that he wanted to
spend some time alone with just me. :) It definitely sucks that he is missing me enough to have to ask me for time with me, but it also definitely touches my heart that he values time with me that much.

It's a good thing. Both that he is aware of missing you, and feels
close enough to you to let you know it, and that he values time with
you... :)

That little man is going to be a guy with wisdom beyond his years, I'm thinking. Need to get him into Jedi training. Er, that was a joke,
but after the last slum we lived in, it might be good for us to get
into Aikido as soon as possible. Now if I could just get a ride to the frigging workplace here... Alright, I'm going to be a bad buddhist,
and whine just a little bit about the fact that I sat on the misunderstanding that caused the crap at the last place... Just so
that my friend wouldn't have more marriage problems. What kind of good friend understands that kind of mistake, yet still doesn't keep his
wife from kicking a guy and his son causing no harm out into the
tundra in frigging January?

A human being feeling trapped between two loyalties... A somewhat
similar situation lost me access to a close friend for a number of
years... He chose the loyalty to his wife, in the hopes that it would
help the situation long-term, I understood well enough to not push the situation until things settled down, he reached back out later when
things had gone even farther bad there... Sometimes you have to choose,
even if not necessarily wisely, given the options you see...

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I will now resume my pursuit of the
peaceful, and conflict avoidant, buddhist ways.

Smile... At least you recognise that your friend has a pretty mess to
deal with in his life anyway, and this new wife doesn't make it any
easier on him, anymore than the ex does... ;)

Yeah, child support can be another catch-22 situation... having the cash
would have been so much easier for keeping roof over head etc...

I really need to talk to those guys. It'd be so nice if they'd pick
up the phone and call me back...

Any way of just showing up at the office...? Or referring it higher...?

teaching them how to grow more mature from the situations... Nurturing
and discipline (both teaching and consequences) are important in growing
the child into an adult... I've seen way too many children that didn't
get the guidance they needed, in the false thinking that giving in to
their every whim will make them somehow respect you for it... and what
they grow up to be, just whiny children in adult bodies, unable to teach
their own children anything...

You know, that really hits a resonant note. I'd been living in
section 8 housing for 3 years, give or take, prior to this hurricane o' feces. So maybe that has really screwed up my perception of children;
no doubt the culture and locale of the area need to be taken into
account, too. Either which way, there are so many single parents that I've seen lately that are just unable to discipline their kids. Um,
bad behavior needs to have bad consequences... Is that a tough
concept? Maybe they spiked the dose of fluoride in the water. :P

It's not just in poorer neighborhoods... The ideal of discipline, both
the educational aspects and the consequences part, seems to have been
rather lost in many sectors of society... And there are far too many grandmothers around moaning about the lack of respect from their
children's children, not really seeing that what they see is the logical followup from how they raised their own children... I think that the
biggest part of the failure is the lack of the training the kids.. one
can't enforce the rules if they aren't already stated... And the second biggest part is the thinking that threats will do the job, even if never followed thru on... Don't threaten consequences you aren't planning to
actually do if the need arises...

Back in my cult days I used to sometimes get to spend a week with a
family that was in the same cult in South Dakota, and they had 3
children. Other than that, all of my experiences with being a pseudo-member of a large family were brief. I can't imagine what it
must be like to have that many people who will actually care. I just don't have that at all. I'm starting to feel it out with my sister and
my nephew and niece and my biomom, but it's going a little slow.
That's one good thing about this relocation. I'm goin' back to my
roots. ;)

That is a good thing... Apparently they have accepted you in as a bona
fide family member...? It's good for both you and your son to have
that... and it's good for them, too, to connect with you. :)

Breaking the downward spiral of thinking is always a useful thing...
focusing off the problems to either something else, or perhaps to some
solutions that may occur to one when gets re-focused is usually the key.

I've been doing absolutely wonderfully in this area. :) I've
maintained a positive focus at least 90-95% of the time. I shifted my paradigm a little while back, here, and I like where I shifted it to.

Good work... :)

One can foster independence in one's child(ren) without losing the
relationship with the child... in fact, sometimes that can be the
factor that keeps the relationship solid, that the child doesn't
have to fight to get any sort of independence. And it can be done
without removing your support of the child as well...

This is the very tightrope that I hope to be able to navigate
across.

I think you probably have already been laying the good foundations for
it...

When I first wrote the message, I would've said I needed that med.
Now, after the paradigm shift... I'm pretty sure I can handle whatever life throws at me. :) I'm so glad that I finally found something that works for me.

Keep the focus... ;) Sounds quite promising... :)

Vaya con Dios. (Woo I got a chance to practice my spanish last
night _and_ helped a woman get herself home and out of the cold in a country where she doesn't speak the language, good times!)

Good deal, all around... :)

bismaninfo.hopto.org 8023

Is that a port number?

ttyl neb

... Out on the edge you see things you can't see from the center.
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